Well looks like I won’t need to watch the Oscars after all, one of my buds just got in a truckload of Oscar statues and we’re gonna pass them out to deserving motherfuckers on the street. If you feel you have been neglected in the past, this includes Al Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Sam Peckinpah etc., please show up on 5th and Stewart Sunday evening.
No just kidding bud, I wish. But the truth is I am getting a little nervous, I am feeling the butterflies in the stomach because like I said I can’t remember the last time I watched the Oscars. It’s been a while and I hope this is a good one.
So this week’s column, well I gotta be honest you might as well skip it because all I’m gonna do is talk about the Oscars and who should win and what not. I mean seriously sorry about this folks this is all I have. I like to think of myself as a creative individual but even the creativest motherfucker around has an off day every once in a while, or pretty often in my case, most often on the day I write my weekly column. But the rest of the week, I mean, you should see it.
Anyway, let’s start off with probaly the most important category, sound effects editing. I have no clue what this one is, I mean how would you know they did a good job editing the sound effects unless they did a bad job. Like if they accidentally didn’t edit out the guy laughing and saying, “ha ha ha, that was celery breaking, not a bone – these people are idiots they believe this shit! Ha ha ha ha!” Then you would know it was bad sound effects editing. But good? I mean, how do you know? I don’t know, all I know is I’m rooting for 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club since it’s the only category it was nominated in.
Okay, then we have the costume designing category. A PRETTY fucking good category this year in my opinion if I may say so. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know how to sew or anything, but Titus – that was a motherfucker with some costume designing. I mean I don’t know I would have known WHAT the fuck was going on if they didn’t have costumes. Most Shakespeare movies, you got a bunch of guys with bad haircuts in chainmail armor. I mean it’s hard enough keeping track of what the fuck these fuckers are saying, how are you supposed to keep track of who is who when they all look like brothers. Titus helps you out, the goths like to wear gold, the Alan Cummings wear red hunting outfits, the Titus Clan wears a more militaristic dark colored type of style. And etc. Also he wears a chef outfit at the end. So I am rooting for Titus. It is too bad Titus was not honored in the artistic designing type of categories, I mean remember that orgy scene with the people fucking on the back of a big inflatable naked lady? To name one example. I mean this is a good picture. But I guess all the best pictures are left fighting over table scraps in the world of Pepsi presents the Oscars. Oh well that’s life at least we have the Outlaws.
Okay, now we are getting to some of the bigger categories. And the one I am most sure about is the supporting actress. You see I have seen the work of a couple of these gals, and out of those couple the winner is clear: Chloë Sevigny. You see, I first saw this gal in a picture called Last Days of Disco, and then in Boys Don’t Cry. And I would not be telling it like it is if I didn’t tell you that I am addicted. I love this gal. After that I went for the Tree’s Lounge, I went for the Gummo. Goin so fast I couldn’t even write the reviews (I’ll have to do that later when I sober up). Might have to get Palmetto and Kids I mean who knows where it will stop.
I believe this gal has a special hypnotic power in her eyes which shoots special charisma beams much like Superman or X-man. In any movie she is in, no matter what the role, she draws your attention in the way only a true star like a Marilyn Monroe or a Steve McQueen or a Rudy Ray Moore could. Even in Gummo where her eyebrows are bleached and she’s wearing ugly ass spandex shirts with tigers on em, she still has this caring big sister charm that pierces through the filth and ugliness of the movie. In Tree’s Lounge she is a 17 year old who makes out with the ice cream man her aunt used to go out with, and still ends up seeming smart and strong.
Now Boys Don’t Cry may be her greatest feat because she steals the show from a woman dressed as a man. This is the true story of a biological woman who lived as a man and still got a lot of pussy. I’d heard alot about this picture, I knew Hilary Swank was supposed to be good, it was a tragic story about the gender confusion, etc. But what amazed me is, I mean don’t get me wrong, but this is a very sweet, romantic type of picture. I mean not that I’m into that kind of thing but you know, have a heart jack. I mean this one is a kicker. It is a real Romeo and Juliet type of tragic love story and the one that sells it is Chloë. Because her charisma beams shoot out from beneath the wasted white trash surface and grab your heart, which is in my opinion the most romantic organ, right by the nutsack.
Chloë’s character is not a lesbian, but then one day she finds out that her man is actually a woman. And she says what the fuck bud, I love the dude anyway. Tits and all. And how can you get more romantic than that, complete and full acceptance of a dude for who he is, even if he’s a chick? You can scoff at the romance, you can belittle the romance, but hell I guarantee you that deep down inside you wish you had it like that. It’s the dream of every man or woman or trans.
I hope Hilary Swank wins for her performance too, but in my opinion she is coasting off of Chloë’s performance. Because you can see how it would be worth it to go out of your way to land a gal like Chloë, even if that meant living your life as a man. Chloë makes you believe a motherfucker would go through the trouble and that is why the picture works. Good job Chloë and Hilary you are both invited to next year’s Outlaw Awards.
I guess I will be happy to see American Beauty win best picture even though it’s a god damned lie. “Good picture” it is worthy but best I don’t think so bud. That would be like this winning “best column.” Well, maybe not that bad. Sorry about this guys hopefully I will shape up soon.
I don’t have much else to say about the Oscars, I mean let’s face it I don’t know jack shit about the things I can’t even remember what they’re like. And to be frankly honest I’ve been seeing these Oscar themed Pepsi ads they show before the movies and they make me want to fucking puke. All these clips of people crying tears of joy and audiences adoring them and playing this glorious music and it’s like I said to Bruce Willis and the rest of those astronauts in Armageddon, you don’t need to tickle our balls man. We’ll watch the damn awards anyway you don’t have to play this music that tells us it’s our patriotic duty. For this I am boycotting all pepsi products and will not be attending the oscars for 1-2 years. However I would like to thank the oscar ads for replacing those god damned “Pepsi Hot Topics” ads where they talk about the guy who is a cross between Bob Dylan and the Beasty Boys. I would also like to thank my parents and god thank you very much I love you all this is such an honor.
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.