I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Archive for February, 2000

The Society for Critics of the Online Film Critics Society

Monday, February 28th, 2000

First of all, is that fucked up or what over there in New York, letting off the four bastard cops that shot an unarmed innocent man 41 times. I mean good jesus what is wrong with this country that shit like this keeps happening. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but even if you really thought the guy was gonna shoot you (and I mean gimme a fuckin break, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that action) you STILL don’t shoot him 41 times unless you think he’s a vampire. And EVEN if you buy that they thought he was gonna shoot him AND he was a vampire, this is still not the kind of mistake you let slide. If you’re the kind of guy that freaks out and unloads 16 bullets every time you see a “suspicious” black guy, that is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t be given a job where you are allowed to carry a gun! I mean even in the bank robbery industry, which isn’t subject to any official rule book or internal review, they don’t let that shit slide!

Let’s look at another industry, let’s say you are a trucker, and you accidentally ran over a guy on a crosswalk. You can’t say, “Well, I thought he was on the sidewalk, but turned out he was on the street.” I mean you can say it, but that won’t be good enough. This is basically what they are saying. “Well, we jumped out of our unmarked car and randomly executed a man in front of his own house, we were nervous though what can you do. Sorry about that bud but we feel guilty as it is.” (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Vern vs. the critical establishment

Monday, February 21st, 2000

If you’ve been reading my column since the beginning of the millennium you know about my new year’s resolution to become more established and respected here on the world wide web. I feel that this is a medium with a whole assload of potentialities and I really think it is starting to catch on, that is why I think that the future of film Writing is on the computers.

You see I am a film Writer but it’s like Mark Twain said, what is the sound of nobody reading your shit. Nothing, it makes no sound. That is why I thought it would be a good idea to reach out, network, become part of an organization of other motherfuckers in my same field. And what better society is there for an online critic to join up with than the Online Film Critic’s Society, where Writers ranging from James Berardinelli to Susan Granger come together to promote the cause of film Writing on the web? (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Just plain pathetic

Monday, February 14th, 2000

Well if there is one thing I am it is I am an honest man and that is why it’s called Vern Tell’s It Like It Is. So to be frankly honest bud what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna recommend you don’t even bother reading the column this week. Because all it’s gonna be is a sad old ex-con on valentine’s day. So unless you’re into that kind of thing and I guess you never know maybe that’s your kick or whatever, fine, but the rest of you better move on there’s nothin to see here.

But like I said I’m tellin it like it is so if Vern is sad then the column is sad and there’s no two ways about it. And if you’d rather I just grin and bear then I got one word for you, fuck you motherfucker. This is about the Truth, pal.

And the truth is it’s valentines day and ol’ Vern is not so much a bad motherfucker as a sad motherfucker. You always hear about how much people hate valentine’s day because they’re single and it makes them sad to be alone when everybody else is eating chocolate or all greased up rolling around in a bathtub or whatever. Well for quite a few years now I always figured no problem, I don’t care if I’m single, I have a pretty good excuse due to being imprisoned and what not. And plus it’s not like I didn’t get my chance, I mean there were alot of young gals on the outside dying to get married but I’m just not that type of guy, the marry a gal but you’re in prison type of guy. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

The Beach

Saturday, February 12th, 2000

This is a movie that looked pretty promising, but shit if I even liked it at all. It is hard to come out with a Fight Club type of picture in the same year that Fight Club came out and not end up looking like a bunch of garbage. But that is what these folks did.

Yes, this is the Fight Club type of movie. You know, the type of movie that is released by Fox, based on a popular novel, crammed full of first person narration criticizing the culture. These type of movies have really beautiful widescreen photographical techniques as well as little showoffy computer camera gimmicks and wall to wall techno music. They are generally about a character who is fed the fuck up with American consumerism and superficiality who wants to leave it all behind and push himself to the limit and seek out danger and blah blah blah. Then they get involved in a secret counterculture which at first is fun and utopian and represents everything they want out of life. But there is always a hint of danger and then one of the colorful supporting characters gets some kind of injury – usually a gunshot blast to the head or shark bite – but the counterculture handles the situation in a heartless bastard of a manner which signals the turning point when you start to realize WELL FER CRYIN OUT LOUD, the counterculture is just as fulla shit as the culture itself. At this point in these type of movies the character either goes crazy or finds out he’s been crazy all along, and then they start having delusions about the founder of the secret counterculture, who is some kind of intensely charismatic wacko, who starts to take on sort of superhuman powers, and blah blah blah. You know the type of movie I’m talking about. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Titus

Friday, February 11th, 2000

TitusThis seems to be a slow time of year for Badass Cinema. For these last few months we’ve had everybody and their uncle waving their ass around trying to get Oscar’s attention. We’ve had some real quality pictures of course like The Limey and further back Fight Club, the type of pictures that ignore Oscars and Golden Globes altogether and go straight to the more credible awards presentations such as Vern’s motherfuckin Outlaw Awards 1999. And I suppose Bruce has a new one coming out this week where he plays some kind of comedy hitman or whatever, but I gotta be honest it looks like some kind of sitcom shit to me. I might check out this Pitch Black but even that is questionable because judging by what I’ve read about it and the commercials and what not, and based on my knowledge of cinematics, I feel there may be a problem with the mise-en-scene, as far as between the auteur and what I feel is a rather aggregious, uh — well, basically, because I’m broke.

SO, I have been planning very carefully for what my next picture to see in the theater would be, trying to make a decision I wouldn’t regret for the rest of my life, in case I’m broke for the rest of my life. You never know. So anyway a while back I decided on a picture by the name of Titus. Unfortunately many of you won’t be able to see this picture yet because it’s only playing in a few select cities, but then I’m not you so what do I care. Anyway I figured this would get me my money’s worth because 1) it’s only playing at the baddest theater in my area 2) it’s about 3 hours long, which in my opinion gets you more minute of screen time per cent paid for ticket 3) it is from a writer with a very good reputation, William Shakespeare, so it probaly won’t be more of this Scream 3 type of garbage and 4) it is supposed to be Mr. Shakespeare’s bloodiest picture. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Vern on Ice

Monday, February 7th, 2000

Well that gal Cool Girl who I wrote about last week, turns out she likes my sight too and she asked me to do some guest reviews for her sight. So I hope you won’t mind if I direct you over there for a few of my reviews in the near future. I think those of you who are Writers will understand where I’m coming from, it’s not very often in a man’s career as a Writer that a man gets a chance to write for a Playboy Playmate who does obscene celebrity interviews. So I mean you gotta take your chance when you get it, you can’t necessarily wati for the nxt one to come alnogn.

Well as a Positive individual I’m still trying to improve myself both as a Writer and as an American individual in a free society (i.e. I’m not in the can). So in addition to brushing up on the classics of Cinemafilm through the American Movie Classics channel, I am also trying to live some new experiences that maybe I could draw from in my Writing. Unfortunately I have already lived a very exciting life full of mayhem and intrigue, so some of this stuff I am catching up on might be old hat to some of you civilians. Like this week for example, I mean I gotta be honest here, I went ice skating. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Scream 3

Friday, February 4th, 2000

Scream 3Hi there Cool Girl fans. My name is Vern and I gotta be honest and upfront about this, I am not a blond lady with big tits if that’s what your thinkin. One of my readers pointed me to that review Cool Girl did of Bruce Campbell’s show Jack of All Trades, and I don’t know if anyone else noticed this but there were naked pictures between the paragraphs. And I mean, hubba hubba, am I right? But I’m sorry to say there will be no naked pictures on my reviews and you REALLY won’t be getting a boner from them, sorry. Nope, I’m just a regular male type motherfucker seeking redemption for my past sins through Writing on the films of Cinema. Some may say that I don’t know of what the fuck I speak because, to be frankly honest, I was out of the picture for a while and missed alot of movies. Most of the ’90s in fact due to a fall I took for armed robbery and complications thereof. That is all in the past though and now in my opinion I am one of, if not THE, most important film Writers on the web, at least in my age group and social class and with my type of background, hair color etc.

Well generally my favorite type of picture to write about is the crime type picture, the action picture or especially the Badass Cinema. I like bad motherfuckers like Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, Steve McQueen and these type of guys, guys who would knock your teeth out just because they wanted to make their nephew a baby rattle. From the younger generation I like Chow Yun Fat of Hard Boiled and a few of the Bruces, Willis and Campbell. But hey bud I also like a good horror picture and for my first Cool Girl guest review I felt I should do the big movie this week, this Scream part 3. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Cabin by the Lake

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2000

This movie is a USA Original Picture on the USA cable network. Now you may be thinking that means its not a real movie, why is vern writing about it, it doesn’t matter. Well hear me out bud. I think it does matter. Yes, I think it does matter and I am going to tell you why. Because, my friend, this is a USA Original PIcture. And what that means, in my opinion, is that they are gonna rerun this movie forever. I mean what do you think their gonna play late at night, or early in the afternoon, or at 8:00 am or pm, when they need two hours to fill. Are they gonna play Teen Wolf? Just One of the Guys? X-Man?

No. No no and no. They are gonna play Cabin By the Lake, because it’s a USA original picture. And that is two hours where they could have been playing a chuck norris movie or what have you. Maybe even van damme. So this IS important. you want this picture to be good because, let’s face it, these are the ones that count. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.