“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

And the winner is… Bruce Campbell

Hello and welcome to my landmark 17th column. The reason this is so special to a motherfucker like me is that this is the first time I have written a column since seeing the Golden Globe Awards program. I have never watched this show before but as an important film Writer I felt it was my duty, my privelege and oh hell it was my honor to watch this awards broadcast presentation.

You see now that I am a part of the Cinema Writing community I am starting to anticipate the OScars awards ceremony. I know it will not quite be the Outlaw Awards but then what the hell is? You gotta keep an eye even on the mainstream fucks and what they are up to as far as giving awards. Since I have been out of the picture for a while and I wasn’t really as much of a Cinema appreciater before going down I really can’t remember the last time I saw them. I vaguely remember Marlon Brando’s indian gal but that’s about it. Anyway according to some information I have researched it turns out that the Golden Globes are one of the major precursors, inspirations and omens for the oscars. They are given out be the foreigner press who I don’t think are actually critics, alot of them may just write gossip if I understand correctly. But anyway, they are what alot of dudes apparently use to predict the oscars.

And by the way who are we fooling of course american beauty is gonna win and hell I loved the movie but it’s gonna feel kind of anticlimactic in my opinion because people have been overpraising this piece for months and it’s starting to get full of itself. And just a by the way within the by the way, I would like to thank David Poland from Roger Ebert’s Movies show for saying how the academy doesn’t have the BALLS to nominate 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight motherfuckin Club.

But anyway watching the golden globes was a practice run for me. What I did I watched this pre-show deal where all the film workers were arriving, however I do not know a whole lot about the dresses but there was a lot of talk about it, etc. The funniest part was when Ruben the Hurricane came up the red carpet and a reporter, I swear I am not making this up, asked if when he was in prison he ever thought he would be at the golden globe awards. Yeah lady, I thought about it every day in the yard. The other cons thought I was crazy for saying it. “Maybe the Oscars, Hurricane. MAYBE. But the Golden Globes? No fucking WAY you’ll be presenting at the Golden Globes.”

Again I am not a fucking journalist but I can’t believe some of the questions these people were asking. Dick Clark asked Jim Carrey if he was a fan of Andy Kaufman, the guy he just spent a year making a movie about. I mean how many comedians and wrestlers are there he could have asked about that Jim HASN’T played in a movie. And don’t tell me Dick hadn’t heard of the man on the moon cause this was seconds after Jim had collected a best comedian actor award for the movie.

Even worse, somebody asked Michael J. whatsisdick what he thought about all of the people who have supported him throughout the years. Like he’s gonna say, “Well, I suppose a few of them should be acknowledged for that kind of stuff, but really it was me who did all of the work, I am the superstar here, I feel I deserve more credit on this one, please don’t mention those fucks ever again in my presence.”

I mean if your gonna interview someone why ask a question with only one possible answer? But anyway the Golden Globes or “the globes” as I call them for short was a very interesting program to watch, as far accepting the awards, giving out the awards, commercial breaks etc.

Oh who am I fooling man this shit was dull. I did not know Barb Streisand was even popular anymore but these people would NOT stop talking about her. The only award that didn’t seem predictable was Toy Story part 2 winning for comedy picture. It was good to see a cartoon getting this recognition in my opinion, although it’s too bad richard pryor star of the first toy movie wasn’t there to accept the award.

Anyway if there is ANY justice in this world I know who will be collecting a golden globe next year and that is Mr. Bruce Campbell star of the new television series Jack of All Trades. This is a funny ass show where Bruce plays a swashbuckling secret agent in the pasteristic year 1801. Thomas Jefferson sends him to an island in the west indies where he teams up with a pretty blond british gal to go on secret missions against Napoleans army. The first episode didn’t have Napolean in it but it did have his brother, who admits that Napolean is short. Bruce nudges him and says, “Are you kidding? The only question is where did he hide the pot of gold!”

Bruce’s character is very similar to the way Ash is in the Army of Darkness film. He is arrogant, sexist and horny but also knows how to fight and especially say great oneliners. I know I am not known as a fella with a sense of humor but this show made me laugh. Bruce’s first line in the series: he busts in on some kidnappers and says, “I would’ve knocked, but my fist had other plans.”

Now that in my opinion is a great oneliner and I will personally take on any motherfucker who disagrees. I gotta be honest I don’t think I’ve done that many oneliners in my time. I’m sure I’ve had some here and there but I can’t think of any good ones off the top of my head. You see in the heat of battle it really is hard to come up with something worthwhile. Usually if you say anything at all you just yell like “MOTHERFUCKERRRRR!!!” or whatever. I know some guys who try to get witty but the adrenaline just gets in the way of their thinking and it’s just embarrassing. I mean take all the public speaking classes you want, imagining the audience naked isn’t gonna help you deliver your monologue when you keep thinking that a guy is about to punch you in the balls. So it turns out something like:

“FUCK YOU!”

“Fuck me? Fuck me? Oh yeah? Fuck this!”

“What?”

“What? What? What this? What you, fuck you.”

I mean they just don’t make any sense. Or there will be guys who will come up with a line beforehand and have it memorized, use it over and over again which is kind of cheating, and anyway they recite it real stiff like they’re reading it off a cue card. Mark my words there will be guys using the fist had other plans line now and if they use it on me I fully intend to cite the source of the quote – Jack of All Trades pilot episode, January 23, 2000, executive producer Bruce Campbell.

Anyway it is great to finally see Bruce on tv. Yeah I know he has done one or two shows here and there, he was the star of Brisco County Jr. cowboy show, he was a regular on Hercules and Xena, he guest starred on x-files, homicide on the street, Ellen degeneres, American Gothic, some soap opera in the ’80s etc. but I haven’t seen those shows so this is his first show in my opinion. Anyway this show is perfect for his talents, he gets to fight, do stunts but most of all he gets to be funny, and it’s a half hour format so he can easily sustain it even if they have some stories that are duds. I mean this is bruce we’re talking about here let’s face it the man can do it.

Before Jack of All Trades there is another show from the same producers, it is called Cleopatra 2525. And what it’s about is not Cleopatra of Egypt fame but instead a stripper from the 21st century who wakes up in the 25th and joins a couple of freedom fighters who live underground and try to reclaim the world from those god damn robots. You can tell they are trying to make cleopatra look like Leloo from the fifth element but I don’t care, I can’t deny the gal is on the foxy side. Anyway there is some funny ideas in this piece like how the freedom fighters shoot through a trashed and tagged Sistine chapel and don’t seem to recognize it as anything other than an old building. But the show is basically pretty dull and unlike jack, the only part where I laughed out loud is the theme song. Something like, “In the year 2525, strong women fighting to survive…”

Maybe it will get better, and it is only half an hour so it’s easier to sit through than some of these other shows that are longer. For example shows that are an hour, or two hours. I know alot of these shows are popular now, but to be frankly honest they are 2-3 times longer than Cleopatra 2525, that’s even including the commercials. It’s not gonna win any Oscars but you do have to give credit for the half hour idea.

Thanks to William C for reminding me to watch Bruce’s tv show.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 24th, 2000 at 7:08 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “And the winner is… Bruce Campbell”

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