I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Teaching Mrs. Tingle

Well I don’t know if any of you saw this but there was a gal in my guestbook who Wrote that I shouldn’t date gals in their late teens and early 20s which I believe she said was disgusting on account of my age. Well the more teen movies I get hoodwinked into seeing by these young gals the more I agree with that sentiment. The latest is an embarassing load of shit by the name of Teaching Ms. Tingle.

Let me give you motherfuckers an analogy here. When I was in the joint there was a talent show they would do sometimes. And alot of times some dumb motherfucker would sign up, “Yeah, I’ma do some tap dancing” or “Yeah man I got a monologue you know, what you didn’t know? Yeah I’m an actor bud, gotta monologue here nahmean?”

Teaching Mrs. TingleThen they get up there but they don’t tap, they don’t act, they just start blurting out shit about “P-DOG IS A PUNK BITCH!” or whatever. They were just using the medium of tapdancing as an excuse to purge all their pent up resentment. And hey bud more power to you if it has therapeutic value and what not but forgive me if I don’t consider it a legitimate act. And in my opinion it is an abuse and an insult to the artform of the talent show act.

Well Mrs. Tingle is the same deal. This is not a movie, this a barely veiled vendetta against some teacher the film artists must have had in high school. The chick who made this movie apparently had a mean teacher who flunked her in history or whatever. The plot is a juvenile revenge fantasy that might have made sense at 15, but you would think by the time she grows up and makes it in Hollywood she would have had some type of emotional growth and what not. Sorry lady but i SINCERELY doubt this bitch was exactly the heartless monster you depict her as in the movie. If you are truly better than her you should be able to acknowledge her human qualities at some point in the damn movie. At the end of the movie they treat her like a Freddy or something, pretending to be dead, jumping to life, trying to strangle everybody. I’m sorry to say you are only proving Mrs. Tingle’s point that you are a poor Writer.

The thirst for revenge has made these film artists delirious and deranged. I wouldn’t be surprised if these motherfuckers thought the story made sense. The heroine Leigh Ann is supposively a good girl pushed over the edge by her teacher’s cruelty, but there really is no motivation for her to tie her teacher to a bed, keep her captive and torment her for two days. I mean come on babe, I’ve done some stupid shit in my life, but if I did that I’d at least know what was coming. These kids act like it made sense at the time, but us poor idiots who rented the movie knew better.

This also works into that old myth that if there’s somebody you hate, they’re eventually going to have kinky sex with someone or other and you can take pictures and blackmail them. Believe me, I WISH this was true. I have tried and tried but some motherfuckers don’t do anything worth photographing. And if they do, they close the blinds.

At the end, you’re wondering okay they’ve had this lady tied up for two days, how are they going to redeem themselves, begin a new Positive lifestyle and get an A?

The answer: Mrs. Tingle is trying to get them out of her house, and accidentally shoots some other student with an arrow in front of the principal, so she gets fired. Leigh Ann goes on to become valedictorian and live happily ever after. Good thing Mrs. Tingle didn’t think to mention the whole breaking in/tying up/tormenting/blackmailing thing to the principal or the pigs. They don’t seem to know about it so I guess it just didn’t come up.

Now I would like to make a personal plea to the gal behind this film. PLEASE lady, I implore you to get some help. I know I know I know maybe you are a tough gal or what not, it is embarassing to go to a therapist. And personally I have not done it either but I happen to know a LOT of motherfuckers, TOUGH motherfuckers, motherfuckers with tattoos and scars, even hooks for hands and these motherfuckers are fearless. They are so fearless that they are not afraid to bite the bullet and say I WILL NOT LET MY PAST BEND OVER MY PRESENT and they sit down and they talk it through with a professional. They break the chain, they do not blame it on others and most of all they do NOT dump on our cultural heritage and our Art of Cinema by unloading a bitter load of shit like Mrs. Tingle into our national theater chains and video stores.

It is time to move on lady. Maybe Mrs. Tingle really was a heartless alien bitch, who knows, but the point is don’t punish America’s teens and naive filmgoers like myself for her crimes. And if you INSIST on continuing this practice AT LEAST make it a comedy so that it is easier to swallow. I mean give Mrs. Tingle a funny walk or SOMETHING. Work with us here lady.

Look here lady, if you need someone to talk to, hell shoot me an e-mail I don’t care. I will be there for you. I just can’t have you unloading on my Cinema you understand. I am not hitting on you I’m just trying to show you there are good people in this world, people who can be ther for you, who can support you. there are other options, other outlets. We do NOT want another Teaching Mrs. Tingle on our hands. I think you know that.

I hope you are not offended by my frank honesty however you are definitely a nutcase no offense and I feel that it is important that we be open about our emotional feelings you understand. Good luck and god bless.

P.S. I was wondering how does Mrs. Tingle stay tied to a bed for two days without ever pissing herself thanks

pissing herself thanks

http://youtu.be/rdsRkOG9bKs

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Sunday, January 16th, 2000 at 1:19 pm and is filed under Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “Teaching Mrs. Tingle”

  1. A well put together rant…well done!

  2. Katie Holmes and Helen Mirren in this movie gave me a tingle

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