Well looks like we all survived the Y2k which is good news in my opinion. Sorry about putting up the wrong column last week I hope it didn’t put anybody in a panic. But I guess if you were hiding down in a bunker and the only sight you went to for information was mine, then thanks a lot I preciate the support. If not then fuck off, I guess.
Well my new year’s resolution as far as I’m concerned is to try to get more established as an online film Writer. And in order to do that I realized I had to work my fucking ass off, starting this last week. And hell man I don’t know if you noticed but I did 1) this column 2) a whole hell of a lot of reviews and 3) a whole god damned awards show. I mean shit man you motherfuckers should be THANKING me for all this. In my opinion. And there is more to come.
So after doing those three things I think it’s high time to stretch my legs a little bit and get away from the topic of Cinema. I have a review of a new movie Magnolia coming up but I figured this is a column, sometimes I should keep the movie reviews in the movie review section, why don’t I use the column to just set my spirit free, look for a muse and just go fucking buck wild. I mean just use the column to do something a lot more personal, something about my past or my Journey or what is going on in my heart and soul, spirituality, etc. Or in this case Write about gossip.
As you know I hate the fucking gossip and this is no exception. No doubt you have read many articles about how the record label owner and rapper Sean Puff Daddy Combs and his girlfriend actress Jennifer Lopez were arrested after a shooting at a night club. This incident would be a humorous anecdote in the police blotter if it was anybody else, but these two are a celebrity couple so it’s getting more ink than a hijacking. (When will these terrorists realize you need a hot ass girlfriend if your really gonna get your message across.)
Three people were shot but not badly injured in this caper and neither Sean or Jennifer is the shooter. After a night in jail and some embarassing press conferences I think charges have been dropped and nobody thinks they’re involved. Actually I personally do think Sean pulled a gun but did not do the shooting. A lot of people probaly didn’t pick up on this, but Sean’s chauffeur allegedly ran 10 red lights running from the cops before pulling over and having a stolen gun found in the car. That may not ring any bells for the layman but believe me, if you were a former professional criminal like myself you would know that it is a little suspicious.
Anyway what really chaps my ass on this one is the way this story has been reported which is this: “Rapper, actress arrested after shooting – god damn I hope they break up.”
Now I am not a fucking journalist believe me but in my opinion it is unethical to try to interfere with somebody’s love life through the medium of news reporting. I mean okay, if you want to dress up as a waiter and try to ruin their big date like they do on the TV shows, that’s one thing. There is not a code of ethics for a waiter as far as I know. BUT, if you are a doctor or a journalist and some other professions it is 100% against the code to try to interfere with the big date.
What we see here is a clear case of jealous motherfuckers. Every article or news report or talk show monologue joke I’ve seen was mainly on, “What does Jennifer’s agent say? Will she break it off? PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE LET’S MAKE THIS HONEY SINGLE.”
Now I admit that she has a round, juicy ass as well as a fine, nuanced performance in the Elmore Leonard tale Out Of Sight from the director of 1999 Outlaw Award Winner The Limey. But let’s face it trying to force a breakup through Entertainment Weekly is not the way you go about landing a gal like this. Maybe, MAYBE that would work on a Sabrina or a Britney Spears, one of these teenage gals that don’t have as much boyfriend experience, but not with a Jennifer Lopez. What you gotta do in this situation is let the relationship play out naturally – or hell, make your move while she’s still dating the bastard. Add a little sense of danger to the thing.
Now some might say this is a racial thing, the media doesn’t want to see a fine light skinned mama like that spending her time with the brothers. And I mean hell, they would be right. But to be fair there was one white case a long time ago when everybody was ready to beat down Lyle Lovett for landing Julia Roberts. Whatever the reason for this I think it’s irresponsible for the media in my opinion. It is an abuse of their position and I would to take this opportunity in this forum to say that I’m going to punch these bitch reporters in the balls next time they try to pull this shit.
That said, I am not defending this muckty muck mouthbreather Sean. Now I don’t know about his music I’m sure it’s fantastic if you like that sort of crap but did you hear the reason for this shootout? According to Newsweek Sean walked into the club and starts passing around big wads of money to get attention. This guy is a rich businessman and I understand he has a philosophy that it is all about the benjamins (which is false, by the way – see Fight Club for more information). But understandably some of the other club goers were annoyed by this Ted Dibiase motherfucker coming in paying everybody off and they called him on it. Sean tried to hand a packet of bills to one dude and the dude threw it back in his face – and that is when Puffy and Shyne pulled out their pieces.
I am not fucking joking about that. Check Newsweek if you don’t believe me. This motherfucker had three people shot because of a money fight.
I repeat, a FUCKING MONEY FIGHT. The baby doesn’t want to use spit balls he has to use piles of money.
There was another caper earlier this year where Sean was upset at a rapping artist by the name of Nas, who used footage of Sean on a cross in his video. Although Sean did film the thing he felt it was blasphemous, so he and two henchmen attacked Nas’s manager with… this is the important part… A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE. Not sure what brand it was but still the rich bastard symbolism is pretty blatant.
I guarantee you the next time this dude gets arrested it’s for dropping a limo on a guy or drowning him in a jacuzzi full of caviar. If you find a gold brick or a crate of Rolexes or some shit at the scene of the crime you know who did it. What this motherfucker is in my opinion is a Batman type villain with a Rich Bastard theme to his crimes. His parents took away his Richie Rich comic books when he was little and he vowed to get revenge, grow up to be a soul-less fat cat with a swimming pool shaped like a dollar sign.
So to sum up: media, a bunch of pricks. Sean, a fucking corporate ninny. To these two I say shame, shame and shame again. Shame on you motherfuckers. Shame.
If Jennifer Lopez is reading this by the way please e-mail me email@example.com thanks honey.
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.