First off this week I want to thank all the Bruce Campbell fans that Wrote to me after last week’s column. Turns out there are a lot more of these motherfuckers than I anticipated and the legions are growing. I guess the big wigs are starting to catch on and their gonna do a video game, tv show, action figure, autobiography and the works for Bruce. Well i say its about fucking time in my opinion. He deserves it.
As you know this is still a very small, underground type of outlaw web sight. For example i will be surprised if that counter ever hits 5,000. And although there have been reports of a lot of discrimination against ex-cons on the web and possibly at geo cities, i do think that count is probaly accurate. If you think about it I only got about 2 hits for each year since jesus christ was born and i guess that’s pretty fucking small time.
Anyway i got a lot of comments from bruce fans in the guestbook and i wanted you to know i preciate it especially a guy like me who nobody reads his sight, even at the holidays. You’d think they would mention the url to everybody they know just to help a motherfucker out but i guess that’s too much to ask for.
Well hell man maybe some of you can tell this old outlaw is feeling a little bit lonely during this season of high depression rate. but don’t worry about me what i’m worried about is the retirement of Mr. Charles Shulz of the Peanuts cartoon fame and the repercussions that this will have in the real world. Fuck y2k man peanuts is ending next month and this could be a plague on the face of the earth such as man has never seen.
You see mr. shulz is the cartoonist of the peanuts strips, which is where snoopy, charlie brown etc. is from. He is now retiring in his 80s due to cancer and the strip will go into reruns. they are still going to be making the cartoons although i think probaly not with all the jazz music. Although i have not read the funnies in a long time i do happen to know that this little bald kid means a lot to many people and to be frankly honest i’m feeling it a bit myself.
You see charlie is just one of those dudes where nothing goes right for them. Everybody hates this dude and for no good reason either. Lucy tricks him by pulling the football away when he’s gonna kick it and then insults his intelligence by trying it again. And to make matters worse this Charlie falls for it again.
People call charlie a blockhead which is pretty fucking insulting and not even accurate considering his head is pretty damn round in my opinion. On halloween they all give him rocks instead of treats and when he’s invited to the party lucy says there are two lists, the people who are invited and the people who are not invited, the lists must of been mixed up.
They make fun of his christmas tree. They make fun of his coaching. They don’t appreciate his company. The adults won’t even speak english to him. And even his little sister has no faith in Charlie Brown. His best friends are so distant they still call him charlie brown instead of just charlie. I feel bad for this kid.
But as linus would say “this motherfucker charlie brown is sincere and free of hypocrisy”. He means well, he’s never mean and he’s 100% clean. But nobody gives this motherfucker a break not even the little red headed gal who he has always had a jones for.
Now what’s really pretty fucking extraordinary in my opinion is that Charlie brown doesn’t let all this negative shit drag him down. He may be sad and lonely a lot but he’s still a good man, he goes to france, i think he might have even won the rafting race. He’s a smart dude and he gets by despite the obstacles. And that’s why a lot of criminals or cons can relate to this dude.
I happen to know this for a fact because although some of you may not have guessed this I myself spent some time in the correctional facility. Now some of you may have wondered “How does a hardass motherfucker like vern pick up the lord jesus christ while he’s in the joint?” Well the answer is one very friendly chaplin by the name of Rick Gibson.
Now Rick Gibson was kind of a skinny little guy who couldn’t really assert himself, and in any other role inside the system Rick Gibson would have been eaten alive like a steak. If he was a con – eaten a live. A screw? Eaten alive. Janitor? Eaten alive.
But when it comes to a chaplin these guys can get away with a certain amount of fruitiness due to there are always a few very muscular born again motherfuckers to protect him. And this man came in every god damn sunday and he sermonized his ass off. He was not a good preacher, he was not even a very good public speaker and the cons scared the shit out of him so his voice quivered the whole time he was talking. But still, this man knew how to fucking sermonize. And the thing is, his sermons almost always were based on a peanuts strip.
Lets say lucy is giving advice in the psychiatry booth. To Rick Gibson, this relates to the way jesus taught his disciples. A baloon that linus got could be a metaphor for the burning bush or something like that, and snoopy sneaking around looking for cookies has something to do with the sins of man or whatever. I can’t think of any specific examples but this is the kind of approach Rick Gibson would take with the peanuts and religion.
For the reasons i explained earlier, every con can relate to charlie brown and of course this made rick gibson’s sunday morning service very popular. To be frankly honest a lot of us started going in there just to try to get his peanuts strip at the end of the sermon. Especially the hustlers because peanuts are worth more than smokes, and every self respecting con has one or two taped up inside his cell, even if he has to take it in the backdoor in order to get it. I remember that fucking molester Encyclopedia Pete collected snoopy joe cool strips because i guess that’s how he sees himself although he’s a lot more like a perverted sweaty male version of marcy. If a con can relate especially strong to a particular strip they will stop at nothing to obtain it, and if you’re the motherfucker who has it may god have mercy on your balls.
So my point is, after charles retires, the newspapers better not even think about stopping running the old ones because all hell is gonna break loose after a while. Newspaper gets brittle and yellow and can be torn or soaked in a scuffle. These things aren’t going to last forever and eventually it’s going to be a road warrior type situation, people biting out each others throats over the last few drops of peppermint patty. Let’s face it cons cannot live on ziggy alone. You thought those cubans taking the warden prisoner was something just wait til you got whole prisons full of pissed off murderers who haven’t seen linus in months. What the fuck you think is gonna happen? It’s a time bomb waiting to happen.
Well hell man I just realized this is my last VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS before christmas and this doomsday shit sure as fuck isn’t in the christmas spirit. So here I would like to re-present to you a Vern christmas classic I Wrote earlier this year. Ah shit man i’m gonna go full throttle and illustrate the motherfucker as well. i tried calling walter leno to get me some santa claus pictures or something but he must be out looking for coke or something. I guess if theres one thing i learned from the die hard trilogy its if you cant get a job done right do it yourself so thats what i’m gonna do so enjoy guys.
* by Vern * excerpted from Vern Tell’s It Like It Is #1 *
Really what all this controversy reminds me of is a few Christmases ago when i was inside. this was WAY before i was clean and sober and i would smoke, eat or shoot anything i could get my hands on. At the time believe it or not some of the screws were under investigation so for almost a month there was virtually no blow or anything going around. This was a vicious drought and everybody was hungry big time. Things were REAL fucking tense in the yard, people getting in fights, arguing. two dudes getting shanked in one day a couple times. people getting nervous, paranoid from withdrawal, and just wanting some kind of buzz,even cigs were getting harder to come by.
So all the sudden this skinny dude by the name of slim or Toothpick charlie was spreading it around that he had some connection that was gonna get him some real good weed on christmas eve. nobody liked this weaselly motherfucker before but suddenly he’s everybody’s best friend or their fucking sweet grandmother they bring presents to. the pimps are offering him his choice of janeys on the house, etc. Nobody knows whether to believe him or not but just in case, he’s on everybody’s good list. Toothpick charlie, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!
this went on for a couple days as christmas approached. when finally people start getting suspicious, is he really getting that chronic? we NEEEEED it. the longer we waited the more legendary it got. the expectations were growing like a fucking balloon. visions of marijuana smoke dancing in our heads.
“I heard toothpick charlie got the greatest weed on the earth. i heardd it’s some prehistoric shit been growing on skull island undisturbed by man. only dinosaurs eating this shit. i heard one toke gets you high for two consecutive life sentences.”
“nah, slim told me all about it, this is some secret government shit he got, genetically altered DNA type shit, to make it stronger. they use this shit to calm down berserkers so they don’t eat babies and shit. what i heard this shit would KILL the dinosaurs man, i understand what your sayin but this is BETTER than skull island weed.”
well whatever it was, we were dyin for this shit. When the fuck will santa get here, we’re thinking. WE WANT OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
well christmas morning, we get one hour in the yard and EVERYBODY and their uncle is clowning poor slim.
“Come on slim you know i’m down. i been down with you since day one. i’m your best friend slim i always been.”
“Hey toothpick what’s up with christmas eve your connection come through blood?”
“PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEE santa give us our CHRONICCCC!”
Slim stands up tall and straight and narrows his eyes. Nobody ever feared this motherfucker but today he’s the grinch that could steal our christmas in a second. this was a cold december morning and dudes are SWEATING from head to toe.
“Now hold on bitch,” he said, “you must of misunderstood. I never said ANYTHING about no chronic.”
“But the WEEEEEEEEEDDDD charlie, give us the WEEEEEEEEDDDD.”
slim reaches into the back of his pants and pulls out a fat baggy of brown powder. People start whisperin, “Is that weed? What kinda weed is that slim got?”
Toothpick clears his gravelly throat and speaks in a strangled growl. “I never said it was weed specifically, or never meant it,” he says. “The screws have a party every christmas eve, and i knew a way to break into the kitchen. I knew they weren’t simple enough to leave us no liquor, but what the fuck they care about fresh ground eggnogg NUTMEG?”
everybody’s whisperin again. “Nutmeg? What the fuck nutmeg?” “Where’s slim’s weed?”
What toothpick and i both knew but the rookies didn’t, nutmeg when swallowed in large enough quantities mimicks the effects of smoking weed. two spoonfuls of the shit with a little bit of water, gives you a cool marijuana buzz with a side effect of mild nausea. Nobody wanted to admit it but slim was right all along.
Well needless to say that was toothpick charlie’s last christmas, ’cause during a tense drought like that EVERYONE’S got a weapon. Even people who ain’t in prison musta been carrying shanks that season. Even to a hardened old dude like yours truly it was kinda sad seeing them carry away this fucked up boney corpse, on christmas of all fucking days.
Me and two other vets shared the baggy and toasted to the honor of toothpick charlie, the skinny, wily ass santa claus that made our holiday season.
When charlie said “weed” everyone took him literally, but he was talking about the SPIRIT of weed, what weed is really about. who cares whether you smoke it, eat it, shove it up your ass i don’t care as long as you get the high you need on a cold holiday morning in the joint.
Thanks guys
merry christmas
–Vern
[ratings]
November 12th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I laughed, I cried, a hell of a column.