“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

Archive for December, 1999

Fantasia 2000

Friday, December 31st, 1999

In 1940 the Walt Disney animation company unleashed a bold new experiment, Fantasia, a collection of animated pieces inspired by classical music. Unlike say a Bambi or a Pinocchio this is a movie with no dialogue or traditional feature length narrative story. In a stunning display of craftsmanship and artistic achievement the animators listened to the music and created stories, sometimes retelling a fairy tale like The Sorceror’s apprentice or riffing on some goofball premise like dancing hippoes or mushrooms. At fantasia’s best moments it triumphs in bold flourishes, splashing abstract type shapes across the screen or depicting evolution and the rise and fall of the dinosaurs. My favorite is the night of the bald mountain king sequence in which a demonic demon comes out of the mountain and all the ghosts fly up, and then afterwards a whole bunch of people are marching along with candles I believe.

This film fantasia was Mr. Disney’s attempt at respectability for the Artform of the funny cartoons however everyone pretty much told him to go fuck himself on that one. The movie received poor reviews, was cut down to 81 minutes and used as a b-movie on double bills, and even 22 years later Igor Stravinsky described it as “unresisting imbecility.” But I mean the dude’s name is Igor how do you expect him to behave, go get me a dead body Igor you piece of shit. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Sooooo Long, Curtis!

Tuesday, December 28th, 1999

curtis_mayfieldFather Geek here, a true genius is gone, too soon, CURTIS MAYFIELD has died. The man who penned one of my favorite soundtracks and in so doing influenced an entire genre of film music is no longer with us. I was just about to sit down and write a tribute to the man when the following arrived at Geek Headquarters and it is soooo complete that, well here’s what Vern has to say about the man who did as much as anyone to bring soul out of the getto and on to our motion picture screens…

Curtis Mayfield 1942-1999

Hello harry my name is Vern and to be frankly honest I have been reading your sight only for a little bit. But I have an excuse because I was out of the picture for a while and only this year started to explore the internet. Anyway point is I Wrote this piece for my column VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS, but if you are willing to run it on your sight that would be even better. I would be honored if you would allow me to Write a few words about a genius who passed on from our world last Sunday, Mr. Curtis Mayfield. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Kaufman 2000

Monday, December 27th, 1999

Well hell man I’m glad I ain’t too superspicious a motherfucker, ’cause here it is column number 13 right at the end of the millennium. Not too pretty on the timing there.

Yeah that’s right I said it. I know it’s not politically correct to call the 2 triple 0 the millennium, but that’s just the way I was raised bud. As for all you smart ass mathematician motherfuckers, don’t get your calculators in a bunch. Let me explain something to you bud. This is the space age year of 2000! Things are changing fast, we’re talking the god damn jetsons. I mean was it a dream or did i drive past albertsons the other day and they changed the name to albertsons.com?

Now listen here jack, are you telling me your gonna always think of 2000 as part of the 20th century? Part of the ’90s? That 6:00 pm is part of 5 o’clock? That it turns to monday at 12:01 instead of midnight? Fuck no, you’d never say something that stupid unless you got something to prove. And personally I ain’t got NOTHING to prove. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Die Hard 2

Tuesday, December 21st, 1999

MCCLANE. JOHN MCCLANE. THE WORKING MAN’S JAMES BOND

BRUCE WILLIS’S DIE HARD 2

Well hell man I guess for those of you who read the title there’s no point in explaining my premise here. You see I just watched Die Hard part 2 for the first time since you know what and I realized that John McClane is a James bond for OUR people. The people who AREN’T rich and who don’t always get the breaks this motherfucker james gets.

Bond is the ultimate secret agent, who the government agencies go to for help. McClane is just a badass that happens to be there when the shit goes down, and the government agencies try to STOP him from helping but they can’t do it cause like the title says this mother fucker is HARD.

Bond has connections everywhere and can go anywhere and do just about anything he wants, but McClane has to save the whole fucking airport just to get these motherfuckers to let him out of a parking ticket. Bond drives snowmobiles and sports cars provided by the government and jumps off of them and blows them up. McClane steals the snowmobiles he uses but also jumps off of them and blows them up. Even when he drives a car at the beginning, its a piece of shit borrowed from his mother in law, and that one gets impounded.

Bond wears expensive suits and dapper uniforms. McClane wears a dirty maintenance man snow jacket he BORROWS from somebody else. If McClane was EVER in a casino, he’d be wearing a sleeveless undershirt, it would be on the Indian reservation, and he’d be losing. My man john doesn’t know the MEANING of the word dapper. He’s a rough and tumble type dude, and if I didn’t know he was a cop i’d swear he done time, cause this is the type of motherfucker that knows how to bite a guys hand during a fight. thumbs up for that one mcclane. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

You’re a good motherfucker Charles Shultz

Monday, December 20th, 1999

First off this week I want to thank all the Bruce Campbell fans that Wrote to me after last week’s column. Turns out there are a lot more of these motherfuckers than I anticipated and the legions are growing. I guess the big wigs are starting to catch on and their gonna do a video game, tv show, action figure, autobiography and the works for Bruce. Well i say its about fucking time in my opinion. He deserves it.

As you know this is still a very small, underground type of outlaw web sight. For example i will be surprised if that counter ever hits 5,000. And although there have been reports of a lot of discrimination against ex-cons on the web and possibly at geo cities, i do think that count is probaly accurate. If you think about it I only got about 2 hits for each year since jesus christ was born and i guess that’s pretty fucking small time.

Anyway i got a lot of comments from bruce fans in the guestbook and i wanted you to know i preciate it especially a guy like me who nobody reads his sight, even at the holidays. You’d think they would mention the url to everybody they know just to help a motherfucker out but i guess that’s too much to ask for.

Well hell man maybe some of you can tell this old outlaw is feeling a little bit lonely during this season of high depression rate. but don’t worry about me what i’m worried about is the retirement of Mr. Charles Shulz of the Peanuts cartoon fame and the repercussions that this will have in the real world. Fuck y2k man peanuts is ending next month and this could be a plague on the face of the earth such as man has never seen.

You see mr. shulz is the cartoonist of the peanuts strips, which is where snoopy, charlie brown etc. is from. He is now retiring in his 80s due to cancer and the strip will go into reruns. they are still going to be making the cartoons although i think probaly not with all the jazz music. Although i have not read the funnies in a long time i do happen to know that this little bald kid means a lot to many people and to be frankly honest i’m feeling it a bit myself. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

The Prince of Egypt

Friday, December 17th, 1999

Subject: Re: Whats the *smallest* crowd you’ve seen a movie with?
Date: 12/17/1999
Author: Vern

Well I gotta admit when I was still drinking i went to see a cartoon about the bible. This was an american cartoon i believe not japanese so there was mostly kids in the audience, possibly christian. Maybe eight or ten kids plus parents which is a small audience in my opinion although not the smallest. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

My New Discovery

Monday, December 13th, 1999

Okay I’m gonna be up front about this. I know very well what you motherfuckers expect out of me this week. I’m not stupid. You think just ’cause I’m an ex-con I’m gonna spend this whole column gushing all over that new three hour prison movie that motherfucker Tom Hanks has.

Well guess what Jack, there is more to my life than prison. To be honest I don’t even want to revisit that territory anymore because who the fuck cares. I don’t even want to think about prison anymore. I gotta leave all that traumatic shit behind.

Well okay no that’s not true at all. Actually I just haven’t seen the movie yet. It’s hard to get three hours free to watch yet another Tom Hanks prison guard movie when you are a Writer like myself who is busy sculpting words or experiencing life which to be frankly honest is the most important element of a man’s Writing. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

The Comedy of Jokes

Monday, December 6th, 1999

Well hell man here it is my tenth column that’s a pretty fucking big deal in my opinion. I think it would be unfair to just review a movie for the tenth column. Also no major movies were released this week and to be frankly honest I don’t want to see the Schwarzenegger after all. I read that he has a shootout with catholic priests and that’s pretty fucking funny but otherwise it just looks like its yet another copy of the whole ghostbusters tongue in cheek horror thing.

You see I happen to like humor as well as jokes, when it is good. One of my buds Jeff McCloud Writes to me just about every week and this week to be honest he Wrote that I didn’t understand comedy. Well I am here to prove that is not the case. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Die Hard

Thursday, December 2nd, 1999

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKER: MY REUNION WITH BRUCE WILLIS’S DIE HARD

All across the world, in many different nations and cultures, families and individuals have many cherished traditions that they follow every winter holiday season. For some its the eggnog or candy canes, a special angel ornament they pass on through the family to put on top of the christmas tree, or everyone opens one present on christmas eve or who knows, ANYTHING.

Well in my opinion if I had been able to celebrate the holiday outside of the limits of the correctional facilities in recent years i’m PRETTY fucking sure my first tradition would be to read “junkies christmas” from william s. burroughs Interzone. This is the story of a fucking low life like many I know however he is able to learn the spirit of christmas and help others who need his knowledge and posession of certain illegal medicines. if its not already this should be on tv every year like the charlie brown cartoons.

Of course my second and more important tradition would be to watch my all time favorite christmas movie – the one starring Bruce Willis as Mr. John McClane. Bruce singlehandedly takes down a moneygrubbing so called terrorist operation that takes over his estranged wife’s office building on Christmas eve. Although with a strong action movie feel and taking place indoors instead of the snowy wilderness, this picture is fucking PENETRATED with the sounds of christmas, from the run dmc rap tune to i believe handels messiah.

That movie is the one and only Bruce Willis’s Die hard (1988).

So this year as the holiday season approaches I was able to rewatch Die fucking Hard as some of my buds in the guestbook call it for the first full viewing since the late 80s. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Bruce Willis in Die Hard: an action breakthrough

Wednesday, December 1st, 1999

[Below is one of the first pieces I Wrote for this web sight, when I was first discovering the world of the Cinema, etc. I am leaving it here for historical puproses however don’t read the fuckin thing though. Thanks.]

film essay by Vernon H.

This page is to promote one of the most under recognized movies in my opinion, Bruce Willis’s DIE HARD (1988). In this movie, Bruce willis plays a cop who finds out that TERRORISTS have taken over the building of his wife’s work at christmas time. What bruce does is basically pick off the terrorists one by one, killing them, etc. These are germans with a leader named Hans Grueber. It shows that one man can take on the system BY HIMSELF. This is a big inspiration to convicts, underdogs and anyone who ever had to take on incredible odds. Also it is interesting to note that Bruce is wearing NO SHOES OR SOCKS while he takes on these Terrorists, including when he must walk over broken glass. That’s right – BARE FEET.

Now I know what your saying, Bruce willis in an action movie? But hold on just a second there bud.

Although bruce is known mainly for being a comedian on the tv show Moonlighting, I think there is a little more to bruce that a lot of people haven’t been willing to acknowledge. First of all, moonlighting although there is romance in comedy can also be an action show. For example in the pilot (term for first episode) I believe there was a scene of bruce running all over the city chasing a dude (although with shoes on).

Now i know there is a prejudice against tv actors trying to make it on the big screen, just as there is a prejudice against ex-cons trying to go clean in the real world. HOWEVER, i don’t think it’s fair to consider Bruce to be ONLY a tv actor, although yes he has done Moonlighting.

And in fact his background in comedy helps out for the “one liners,” where bruce says a funny or clever thing as the Terrorist dies. “Yippy kie yah motherfucker!” Although i like van damme quite a bit I believe bruce is actually better at this sort of technique.

Although Die Hard has had little hype or press, i believe that it’s time will come soon when it will be acknowledged as a breakthrough in the world of action movies. They don’t really make movies like that anymore in my opinion. Although its influence is yet to be shown, I think within ten years all action movies will owe a great debt to Die Hard, just as horror movies owe a debt to the Chucky movies.

In the movie, Bruce Willis is named “John Mcclane”

Just my two cents

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.