I use hands to help my fellow man / I use hands to help with what I can / But when I face an unjust injury / Then I change my hand into FIST OF FURY

Vern vs. that punk ass weasel motherfucker Jailhouse Jim

Let me tell you this column is hard for me to Write because I have tried hard since my emancipation from the confinement of prison to be Positive, to live a clean life and to avoid conflict as well as negativity, crime and armed robbery, etc. There have been exceptions such as the incident on Halloween in which I broke the little prick’s ribs for smashing MY jackolanterns on MY property, but I’m not going to talk about that due to a pending lawsuit as far as I’m concerned. (By the way, allegedly broke the little prick’s ribs.)

However there are some things that happen in a man’s life where he really has no choice but to get REAL fucking angry and in these times it is only right for a motherfucker in this situation to express himself.

The motherfucker causing this particular situation is a pantywaist janey by the name of Jailhouse Jim, who has a web site called Jailhouse Jim’s Convict Flicks. This dude is claiming to be an ex-con like myself and, like myself, claims to “tell it like it is” when he is, like myself, discussing the films of Cinema. He has even gone so far as to call himself “the original ex-con movie critic” although nobody has ever heard of this motherfucker before so he obviously came after yours truly.

Now what upsets me about this dude is not that he has no ideas of his own and sucks out the very heart of what I have worked so hard to accomplish and claims it as his own while giving no credit to the true creator. What upsets me is THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A SLICK HOLLYWOOD BASTARD WHO IS MORE INTERESTED IN THE MONEY THAN IN THE ART OF THE CINEMA. He uses words like “boffo box office” and “box office dud” and “sizzles” and “cutie patootie” and as you can imagine I am going to cut this motherfucker’s balls off when I find out who he is.

Now maybe some of you can’t understand what I’m talking about but you see, i’ve been out of the picture for a while. So it wasn’t until recently when I was released from the grip of the correctional facility system that I was forced to acclimate myself to the ugly ass commercial nature of today’s modern Hollywood of the ’90s on the cusp of the millennium.

To be honest I never really realized my true love and passion for the movies until recently, however as an american citizen i was familiar with what was going on in our culture as far as how movies are advertised. So you can imagine my surprise when I got out and discovered what kind of crazy shit is going on in the fucking entertainment media these days.

True story, i punched a hole through a wall when I found out there is these shows like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood and the entire channel E! Entertainment. These are shows made for, by, and about people who hate movies but pretend to love them. These are the motherfuckers who leech off of our emotions, culture and Art of the Cinema to make a buck. They have big smiles and hair dos and they know a lot more about how much a movie made than how it made them feel. They do not feel. They have no attachment to the movies in my opinion, only to the idea of getting close to fame. they are some kind of race of god damn lizard people with forked tongues and gucci tails and a little ribbon they wear that represents some lizard disease charity that they hardly ever think about.

Well I guess i don’t really know where i was going with that whole lizard people thing actually, so just forget about that but please listen what I have to say.

These shows talk a lot of shit that they’re about entertainment but like any common criminal they are really about business. Instead of talking about movies they have gossip, not only about movie stars or entertainers but also about OJ Simpson who apparently got into some kind of trouble while I was locked up although if I remember correctly he was a pretty good football player. but to be frankly honest i have not seen him in any movies in a long time so WHAT the fuck does this dude have to do with entertainment? I knew dudes in the joint who killed people too but these dudes could do stand up or play harmonica or some shit like that but you don’t see these dudes on tv.

At the beginning of this show they say, “Later on ET, Ben Affleck’s startling health struggle,” and show a clip of this motherfucker walking past a camera in slow motion at the premiere of the shittiest movie coming from the biggest studio the next month.

Then they have a behind the scenes on the second shittiest movie coming from that same studio the next month, but all they talk about is what it was like to work with Ben Affleck. No shots of any of the motherfuckers that wrote or directed the movie. Just which ever star is considered the most fuckable.

“Still ahead on ET, Ben Affleck…”

Now they go for more shots of the most fuckable stars at the premieres for the shittiest movies. It is important to understand that the motherfuckers who make these shows are not interested in fucking these stars themselves, they are interested in figuring out which stars are considered more fuckable by the mainstream audience. It’s not real lust as far as I’m concerned, again it is just business. just like a lot of the pimps i have known throughout my years the important thing starts to be the game, how much game they have and how many bitches in their stable, not how good the actual service is.

Three times throughout the show, they say, Tomorrow on ET, behind the scenes on next week’s NBC movie event, some movie where Robe Lowe is the president during an earthquake or a killer bee attack or some shit like that. based on a true story. half of today’s show is clips from tomorrow’s show, the other half is the clips they showed from today’s show on yesterday’s show.

Finally at the end, they get to the ben affleck story, but its just the same thing they showed before, except they say that his mom has emphysema.

jesus christ, i can only imagine what these motherfuckers are gonna do when the oscars roll around. they’ll probaly be doing round the clock coverage of who made the dress catherine zeta jones is wearing.

But what I hate most about these shows is every fucking week they show the top ten moneymakers as if its something important. This week’s box office weiners. They got this on the magazine shows, they got it in the actual magazines, they got it on the local fucking news and in the newspaper and “the pretty newspaper” (USA Today) and on the radio.

Now the danger of this is that the more they keep showing everybody all the math and ranking the movies, the more important it starts to seem to some gullible motherfuckers. In a magazine its a milky discharge that drips from the box office charts to the reviews on the next page, then spreads eventually to the interviews and the fall preview and even the front cover. “Will this be jim carrey’s comeback after the dud that only made $65 million domestic?”

So when all the pretty people on the magazine covers say its okay, suddenly you got motherfuckers like Jailhouse Jim writing reviews completely about whether or not this movie is going to be a hit, this one is too fuckin weird for the mainstream, by the way these are the stars unfortunately they have not proven to have box office pull, let alone box office muscle, box office clout, marquee power or opening power. And these motherfuckers who write this shit don’t mind looking in the mirror. At least a pusher knows his mom ain’t proud of him, he has some kind of shame in there somewhere. Not so for the box office pundit, he puts this shit on his resume and superimposes it on the screen when he’s on tv.

Meanwhile you got people on the internet who got no connection whatsoever to the movie business trying to predict how much money somebody’s gonna make on the fucking pokeyman movie that comes out that week. Then you got people looking back at the week before to try to figure out what went wrong in their predictions and what trends this might point to in order to predict the next week so that they will feel better the next time they look back at what went wrong. and worst of all you got some punk motherfucker (Jailhouse Jim) starts talking shit about some movie BASED SOLELY ON THE AMOUNT OF MONEY IT MADE OR WON’T MAKE and as far as we know this punk ass little bitch hasn’t even SEEN the fucking movie what the hell he knows about cookies fortune.

This money thirst virus spreads across our culture and becomes acceptable, like that time in the ’70s when date rape was really popular. Also I should point out that at the time I went down armed robbery was not considered as taboo as it is today. But just because it is a part of our culture doesn’t mean its the right thing to do or at least that’s what the judge said.

The same thing goes for the commercialization of the movie houses themselves. Recently I went to see The Messenger at a “regal” theater and before the movie they show a pepsi commercial, and within the pepsi commercial is a mini-access hollywood about what pepsi considers “the hot topics”, some movie and some CD. And thats all I fuckin NEED is a commercial within a commercial within a commercial venture within a multiplex. But the regal chain says, “Well, everybody else is doin it so nobody will mind sitting through this bullshit.” If i may be vulgar one more time i would like to point out that this defense never works in a court of law for gang rapists as far as i know.

I’m sorry i’m telling you guys all this shit you already know, but this really bothers me. Please guys, if you are truly my buds, you gotta believe me, and not these slick access hollywood pricks. For people like us, whose sole duty in hollywood is to watch the fucking movies, Cinema is a fucking ART before it is a business, and it always will be.

If you complain about a movie could have been better without that limp biscuit song and some punk defends it by saying they had to make it that way in order for the movie to be more profitable, what i want you to do is break this motherfucker’s knee, then take the sharpened edge of an aluminum can and slit the back of his neck and tell him next time its the front, bitch. Movies may be only about money to some of the people that make them, but that doesn’t mean we should respect that. If i had been into armed robbery only for the money i would have been laughed out of the fucking yard. It is an attack on our culture and it is not acceptable in my opinion.

The question I have is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKERS that they disrespect the art of the Cinema in this way? They don’t walk the walk. It’s like a dude with a Harley tattoo that rides a ninja.

Don’t these motherfuckers remember a time when they watched a movie and got excited cause they hadn’t ever seen a movie like that and they wondered what this meant for the future of filmmaking (fight club)? Haven’t they ever felt so entertained they could stand up and cheer (die hard) or so emotional they start to cry (fly away home but please remember i was on shrooms at the time)?

When you talk about “entertainment” could there be one fucking moment where a well told joke or a character that reminded you of yourself was more important than all the million dollars and profit projections and exit polls and new heads of marketing and designer dresses and fad diets and star studded premieres and private wedding ceremonies?

And when you talk about tv could you NOT fucking call it “the tube” ferchrissakes Jailhouse Jim, I mean what the hell kind of language are you speaking there jack? And although i don’t approve of calling it a “flick” instead of a movie or a film, i fucking BEG you to call it a flick before you call it a “franchise” again you piece of shit.

Which brings me back to the main point, which is that I am going to find Jailhouse Jim, strut into his living room, rip the issue of US Magazine out of his hands, and pry his fucking ribs open to show his children that daddy has no heart. This dude has taken my life and my passion and has sanded it off, smoothed it out, tore out the emotions and ideas like so much pumpkin guts, and tossed its unidentifiable corpse onto the world wide web to be raped by soulless business men who could give a fuck about Art or Writing or human emotion unless theres a chance they can get points on the licensing.

Now i hope to christ i don’t end up in the joint again over this, but sometimes god’s laws are more important than man’s laws in my opinion. and god says don’t fuck with the fucking Cinema, asshole.

Thanks guys.

–Vern

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 15th, 1999 at 7:44 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

5 Responses to “Vern vs. that punk ass weasel motherfucker Jailhouse Jim”

  1. Never heard of that guy before, but looks like his website didn’t last long.

  2. (And I apologize again for commenting on all these old articles. I will stop now, until I got seriously something to say.)

  3. “As an ex-convict I am a tinseltown outsider, you might even say an outlaw. I refuse to knuckle under to Hollywood fat cats. I tell it like it is whether “the man” likes it or not!

    BEING JOHN MALKOVICH – *

    This weird mishmash from MTV wunderkind Spike Jonze proves why video directors should stay on the tube. Full of dark, would-be comedy and bizarre sci-fi concepts, this is much too bonkers for mainstream audiences to bother with. Not as funny as Notting Hill and too mean spirited to be another quirky countercultural hit like Men In Black, this is one laughfest that never materializes. Cameron Diaz is especially disappointing in a frumpy wig and bad makeup that all but erase her charm from There’s Something About Mary and My Best Friend’s Wedding. Malkovich has all the grossout potty humor of Mary but none of the heart.

    Give this one the chair!

    PRINCESS MONONOKE – **

    This Japanese “anime” cartoon from famed Japanimator Huayo Miyazaki explores the battle between monstrous gods and colonists in the feudal orient. Too violent for kids and not realistic enough for adults, it is likely to fry at the box office electric chair. On the other hand, it is considered the Titanic of Japan (where only Leo’s “King of the World” hit has defeated it at the box office). Wisely dubbed into English with Young Hollywood enfants terrible Claire Danes, Minnie Driver and Billy Bob Thornton (Armageddon), the youth appeal and star power could give this tedious eye candy a little financial juice.

    The jury is out on this suspect.

    THE BACHELOR – ***

    With this engaging romantic comedy, Chris O’Donnel earns a much needed comeback after the “holy disaster, Batman” of Batman and Robin and the embarassment of Robert Altman’s box office dud Cookie’s Fortune (which clicked with critics but not with audiences). O’Donnel charms a bevy of delightful lady co-stars with his handsome good looks, but the real charm of the pic is the sensitive humanity of the story. O’Donnel will need a Matrix-like cyberhit in order to regain his box office muscle, but this is a great start. The Bachelor could be this season’s My Best Friend’s Wedding.

    The Bachelor (jailhouse) rocks!”

    This guy is like Bizarro Vern.

    “what i want you to do is break this motherfucker’s knee, then take the sharpened edge of an aluminum can and slit the back of his neck and tell him next time its the front, bitch.”

    HAHAHAHA

  4. Wow, this guy is an asshole. (Jim, not Vern / Gwai.) “Being John Malkovich” too bonkers for mainstream audiences? FUCK THAT. I know some of us have some bizarre opinions here (this is coming from the guy who likes “Dude, where’s my car” but not “Vertigo”) but I think for most of us they’re based on something more than just acknowledging what makes the most sense financially.

  5. Wow, brilliant stuff Vern. I don’t usually like going negative or personal attacks, but using it to point out how the box office punditry is damaging audiences is powerful. I remember the conversation I got into on opening night of Pearl Harbor about how much money it would make over Memorial Day, realizing I was stuck and couldn’t get out of it even though no one in my group would see any of the $70 mil or $90 mil or whatever they predicted.

Leave a Reply





XHTML: You can use: <a href="" title=""> <img src=""> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <b> <i> <strike> <em> <strong>