“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

Archive for November, 1999

Sleepy Hollow

Monday, November 22nd, 1999

This week what I saw was a piece by the name of Sleepy Hollow. This is what you call an old fashioned horror type movie based on that old story of the decapitated horseman. What he does is he goes around chopping off motherfuckers heads with an ax goin “Where’s my head? Where’s my head motherfucker give it back!” Or at least, that is what he’s communicating through the medium of head chopping.

Now first of all, if any of you like me saw halloween 20 last halloween, your probably thinking the same thing I am – could it be… michael meyers is the headless horseman? Because remember michael also got his head chopped off with an ax. And yeah nobody ever taught him how to ride a horse but then nobody taught him how to drive a car either but he was doing very well last night. Anyway I don’t want to give anything away but its not him unfortunately in sleepy hollow because it takes place in a different time period. SOrry.

Well obviously what you gotta do in a headless horseman type situation like this, even if its not michael meyers, you gotta figure out what the hell is up with this fucker and catch him. Let me tell you i’m glad this dude doesn’t get locked up in the end, i would feel bad for the inmates that have to deal with a dude with no head, that’s just creepy.

So anyway the dude who goes after him is kind of a sissy type fella by the name of Ichabod Crane. Apparently he’s some sort of cop although without a uniform or a badge I’m just going to let it slide and say, okay, this dude is all right with me. Even if he’s wearing some kind of lady’s scarf which I guess was considered less taboo at the time this takes place. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Toy Story 2

Friday, November 19th, 1999

Now correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t Richard Pryor ALSO have a movie by the name of toy story. This was not one of mr. Pryor’s better pictures in my opinion, its the one where a rich white kid buys richard as a toy. He says “a big train set won’t do it for me dad, I need a famous black comic to degrade.” The basic type of humor is Richard falls in the water and runs around in fast speed while the piranhas bite him in the ass. This may have paved the way for many of the Sinbad pictures I’ve seen on cable however in MY opinion it still is not one of the high points in pryors career.

Well I guess you can tell that I’ve been out of the picture for a while because i never heard of this other toy story and here i thought this was going to be the new Richard Pryor. To be honest I promised some dudes over on alt.horror I was gonna review the End of Days this week, but I’m afraid I let them down. Arnold (who by the way I strongly suspect is a kraut despite his front as an all american restaranteur type dude) probably lifts weights as much as a lot of the guys inside. However what Richard has is a quick wit and ability to transform himself into a thousand characters, even animals or inanimated objects (he could have easily played an etchasketch or yoyo in this movie, and convincing as hell too). This is a funny motherfucker with some great fucking stories and even is attempting to go clean for quite a few years. In my new positive life it is this type of intelligent talents that I must value over the muscles. Arnold unfortunately is not a funny motherfucker judging by the 15 minutes of Jingle All of the Way I watched on tv tonight. That is got to be one of the worst executed pieces of comedy i have EVER fucking seen, even if you count the web sight Rob and Marge’s Laugh Central. Sorry arnold. Read a book.

Well as you probaly know by now if you’ve seen toy story 2, richard pryor isn’t in it at all. What this is is a VERY fucking strange story where the toys such as a cowboy doll and a spaceman named Buzz Lightyear come to life when your not looking. There is a fat dude who steals the cowboy doll. This is a dude who collects cowboys and when he gets all of them he’s going to sell them to a museum. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with this motherfucker he collects all this stuff and as far as I can tell doesn’t even like cowboys. He doesn’t have any cowboy toys in his house that he plans to keep and he doesn’t even wear boots or own a horse. In my opinion this is the same type of dude who runs the movie studios today, who likes money but not movies but maybe got fired from the bank or the US mint or wherever people who have a passion for money work. So he controls the movie studio from a little different perspective than any normal person with a beating heart who loves and enjoys the Cinema artform. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Vern vs. that punk ass weasel motherfucker Jailhouse Jim

Monday, November 15th, 1999

Let me tell you this column is hard for me to Write because I have tried hard since my emancipation from the confinement of prison to be Positive, to live a clean life and to avoid conflict as well as negativity, crime and armed robbery, etc. There have been exceptions such as the incident on Halloween in which I broke the little prick’s ribs for smashing MY jackolanterns on MY property, but I’m not going to talk about that due to a pending lawsuit as far as I’m concerned. (By the way, allegedly broke the little prick’s ribs.)

However there are some things that happen in a man’s life where he really has no choice but to get REAL fucking angry and in these times it is only right for a motherfucker in this situation to express himself.

The motherfucker causing this particular situation is a pantywaist janey by the name of Jailhouse Jim, who has a web site called Jailhouse Jim’s Convict Flicks. This dude is claiming to be an ex-con like myself and, like myself, claims to “tell it like it is” when he is, like myself, discussing the films of Cinema. He has even gone so far as to call himself “the original ex-con movie critic” although nobody has ever heard of this motherfucker before so he obviously came after yours truly.

Now what upsets me about this dude is not that he has no ideas of his own and sucks out the very heart of what I have worked so hard to accomplish and claims it as his own while giving no credit to the true creator. What upsets me is THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A SLICK HOLLYWOOD BASTARD WHO IS MORE INTERESTED IN THE MONEY THAN IN THE ART OF THE CINEMA. He uses words like “boffo box office” and “box office dud” and “sizzles” and “cutie patootie” and as you can imagine I am going to cut this motherfucker’s balls off when I find out who he is. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc

Sunday, November 14th, 1999

Damn, this week must be some type of religious holiday because every fucking movie seems to be about religion. Dogma: religion. Messenger: religion. I haven’t seen the dog movie however i have seen messenger so here is my review.

First off let me say that I am not an expert on religion although I found and accepted the lord jesus christ while i was in the can and have since turned my life around to become a Positive Writer and critic of Cinema as well as to overcome the shit out of alcoholism. I am not a catholic or anything, so I don’t know a whole lot about saints and popes and all this type of shit. I never really got into all the technical stuff beyond praying, positivity, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

Princess Mononoke

Monday, November 8th, 1999

Well damn man this is the problem I’m having. Apathy. Lack of participation. Nobody likes me. Etc.

Now don’t get me wrong, I really really appreciate you motherfuckers who read the column. You know who you are. But it’s hard when a dude pours his heart into a thing like this and nobody fucking cares.

Now okay, I can’t make you care about an old ex-con who is currently facing a possible lawsuit due to an incident which occured on the evening of October 31st on my own fucking property. It’s up to you to show a little fucking human emotion and caring, in my opinion.

What I’m asking is this though. I know there are like two or three of you motherfuckers who CLAIM you like my Writing. IF in fact that is the case you gotta help me out man. Now if I was Writing a book, or a fucking newspaper, or god help me a fucking talk show monologue – okay, if that was the case, you motherfuckers would be perfectly appropriate just sitting there on your ass not sayin nothing.

HOWEVER, this is the medium of THE FUCKING WEB which is about INTERACTIVE Writing and etc. It is not a passive medium in my opinion and anyone who thinks a web Sight should be the same as a newspaper I would like to talk to a motherfucker who believes that I have a few choice words for the little prick. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

A sort of block that prevents me from having something good to write about

Wednesday, November 3rd, 1999

Okay now look guys. I missed my Monday deadline but there is a legitimate excuse. I spent Sunday night in jail after cracking the ribs of the little prick who smashed my jackolanterns. Now i don’t know how much you guys are into halloween but i think you would agree don’t fuck with a man’s jackolanterns.

I hope nobody was disapointed by my lateness since i did an extra halloween column. So lets face it you motherfuckers can’t complain.
On the other hand you can complain about this week’s column now that its arrived, because i’m going to tell you straight off, this one is going to be shit. I don’t have a movie to Write about so I’m just basically gonna be shooting the shit. And i have a sort of block that prevents me from having something good to Write about. Sorry.

I want to say thanks bud to my fans, i think there are at least ten of them at this point. I have gotten some nice e-mails and my guestbook thing has been signed by some real cool motherfuckers. i even got it signed by the dude who created the comic book that the tv show “harsh realm” is based on. sorry about the show man, i hope reading my sight didn’t jinx you.

At the same time i want to give a big fucking fuck you to the stupid motherfuckers who criticize me in the guestbook. Jesus fucking christ man do you know any manners. this sight is not about relgion so why the fuck you have to blaspheme against my fucking tenets in a man’s own guestbook. I’m not here to talk about religion i am here to talk about the art of Writing and cinema. if you want to pick on people for their religion go to an airport motherfucker. And anyway you should read Vern Tell’s It Like It Is #3 Mambo Socks below if you want to find out what a fucking prick you are for judging a dude without knowing about his life and journey. (read the rest of this shit…)

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.