“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

My First Column

In this new column what it is is I answer your questions and tell you my opinion on various shit.That’s why it’s called “VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS” because frankly that is EXACTLY what I will be doing. And if you don’t like it than fuck you jack.

For my first column, October 11 1999 I will be answering a question which was asked to me by my bud musemalade from rec.arts.movies.current-films. this is a dude who knows a lot of shit about movies and i find a guy like me humble and learning from this man just about every fucking day. so do NOT be disrespecting this guy in front of me in my opinion it would NOT be a picnic.

Hey guy there’s one question I’m curious about and you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, since I know you’re trying to practice your writing and become better and all. I have to ask anyway: why are you calling yourself an “outlaw” if you’re trying to sober up and go clean? I think it’s a bit of a contradiction myself, but don’t take offense since I mean no offense by it. I’m just trying to help.

–Musemalade, rec.arts.movies.current-films

Well bud that’s a very good question to be frankly honest and i’m going to answer it in today’s column. i can understand why you might consider it a contradiction or whatever but i do NOT agree in my opinion and this is why.

as an armed robber and criminal i was an “outlaw” in the classic sense of the old west, motherfuckers like billy the kid, bonnie and clyde, eddie the splayer, etc. That is NOT what i am about anymore although i do like a good cowboy movie now and then.

Now that I’m smarter and especially older, I am a different type of outlaw in my opinion, which is a man against the system and the status quo. Like i said a poet is really a man against the system of rules that is the english language and sentences.

Outlaw is also a tribute to the famouse Outlaw biker gang of the olden days and i still believe in the spirit of the Outlaws. in fact there are many clean and sober bikers if you don’t believe me check out Vern’s links.

And even if i didn’t believe in Outlaw anymore i still have a rep to hold up (no pun intended, lol) and i am known on the internet as outlaw_69. just a side note I tried to use outlaw_69 as my yahoo name but a dude already took it, so i had to do outlawvern instead. sorry guys.

Really what all this controversy reminds me of is a few Christmases ago when i was inside. this was WAY before i was clean and sober and i would smoke, eat or shoot anything i could get my hands on. At the time believe it or not some of the screws were under investigation so for almost a month there was virtually no blow or anything going around. This was a vicious drought and everybody was hungry big time. Things were REAL fucking tense in the yard, people getting in fights, arguing. two dudes getting shanked in one day a couple times. people getting nervous, paranoid from withdrawal, and just wanting some kind of buzz,even cigs were getting harder to come by.

So all the sudden this skinny dude by the name of slim or Toothpick charlie was spreading it around that he had some connection that was gonna get him some real good weed on christmas eve. nobody liked this weaselly motherfucker before but suddenly he’s everybody’s best friend or their fucking sweet grandmother they bring presents to. the pimps are offering him his choice of janeys on the house, etc. Nobody knows whether to believe him or not but just in case, he’s on everybody’s good list. Toothpick charlie, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!

this went on for a couple days as christmas approached. when finally people start getting suspicious, is he really getting that chronic? we NEEEEED it. the longer we waited the more legendary it got. the expectations were growing like a fucking balloon. visions of marijuana smoke dancing in our heads.

“I heard toothpick charlie got the greatest weed on the earth. i heardd it’s some prehistoric shit been growing on skull island undisturbed by man. only dinosaurs eating this shit. i heard one toke gets you high for two consecutive life sentences.”

“nah, slim told me all about it, this is some secret government shit he got, genetically altered DNA type shit, to make it stronger. they use this shit to calm down berserkers so they don’t eat babies and shit. what i heard this shit would KILL the dinosaurs man, i understand what your sayin but this is BETTER than skull island weed.”

well whatever it was, we were dyin for this shit. When the fuck will santa get here, we’re thinking. WE WANT OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
well christmas morning, we get one hour in the yard and EVERYBODY and their uncle is clowning poor slim.

“Come on slim you know i’m down. i been down with you since day one. i’m your best friend slim i always been.”

“Hey toothpick what’s up with christmas eve your connection come through blood?”

“PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEE santa give us our CHRONICCCC!”

Slim stands up tall and straight and narrows his eyes. Nobody ever feared this motherfucker but today he’s the grinch that could steal our christmas in a second. this was a cold december morning and dudes are SWEATING from head to toe.

“Now hold on bitch,” he said, “you must of misunderstood. I never said ANYTHING about no chronic.”

“But the WEEEEEEEEEDDDD charlie, give us the WEEEEEEEEDDDD.”
slim reaches into the back of his pants and pulls out a fat baggy of brown powder. People start whisperin, “Is that weed? What kinda weed is that slim got?”

Toothpick clears his gravelly throat and speaks in a strangled growl. “I never said it was weed specifically, or never meant it,” he says. “The screws have a party every christmas eve, and i knew a way to break into the kitchen. I knew they weren’t simple enough to leave us no liquor, but what the fuck they care about fresh ground eggnogg NUTMEG?”

everybody’s whisperin again. “Nutmeg? What the fuck nutmeg?” “Where’s slim’s weed?”

What toothpick and i both knew but the rookies didn’t, nutmeg when swallowed in large enough quantities mimicks the effects of smoking weed. two spoonfuls of the shit with a little bit of water, gives you a cool marijuana buzz with a side effect of mild nausea. Nobody wanted to admit it but slim was right all along.

Well needless to say that was toothpick charlie’s last christmas, ’cause during a tense drought like that EVERYONE’S got a weapon. Even people who ain’t in prison musta been carrying shanks that season. Even to a hardened old dude like yours truly it was kinda sad seeing them carry away this fucked up boney corpse, on christmas of all fucking days.

Me and two other vets shared the baggy and toasted to the honor of toothpick charlie, the skinny, wily ass santa claus that made our holiday season.

When charlie said “weed” everyone took him literally, but he was talking about the SPIRIT of weed, what weed is really about. who cares whether you smoke it, eat it, shove it up your ass i don’t care as long as you get the high you need on a cold holiday morning in the joint.

Thanks guys
merry christmas (lol)

–Vern
outlaw 4 life
copyright 1999 Vern

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 11th, 1999 at 1:19 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

6 Responses to “My First Column”

  1. Hey Vern. I was poking around the archives and I saw that there was a “1999” on there. “Holy shit,” I thought to myself, “ten years of outlaw Writing/poems ain’t got to be soft/Striving for Excellence/etc.” So I tracked down this column and re-read it. It was cool to see how far you’ve come, bud. Here it is ten years (and change) later, and you’re still doing it. Hell, doing it better than ever. Congrats man. You rock. Signed, Daniel Strange.

  2. I never saw you using “lol” before.

  3. I wonder if that story is true

  4. Wow. How have I never clicked on “1999” before? I’m gonna keep reading these. The nutmeg story is pretty killer actually, cinematic even…

  5. You guys really need to read everything. It’s worth the time and the old Tells It Like It Is articles have some of his best writing I think. Mtv awards recap being a highlight.

  6. Wow… Dunno if this story is real, or just some type of online persona. However i always thought of you as a young person, maybe 30 something dude. Still, this story is pretty good and though the writing is not as good as it is now you can tell there is some talent of storytelling involved. You should try a screenplay if you havent already. You make so many valid points in your reviews, you see the flaws in story arcs and character development… Try it i would watch your fucking movie!

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