Archive for 1999

Kaufman 2000

Monday, December 27th, 1999

Well hell man I’m glad I ain’t too superspicious a motherfucker, ’cause here it is column number 13 right at the end of the millennium. Not too pretty on the timing there.

Yeah that’s right I said it. I know it’s not politically correct to call the 2 triple 0 the millennium, but that’s just the way I was raised bud. As for all you smart ass mathematician motherfuckers, don’t get your calculators in a bunch. Let me explain something to you bud. This is the space age year of 2000! Things are changing fast, we’re talking the god damn jetsons. I mean was it a dream or did i drive past albertsons the other day and they changed the name to albertsons.com?

Now listen here jack, are you telling me your gonna always think of 2000 as part of the 20th century? Part of the ’90s? That 6:00 pm is part of 5 o’clock? That it turns to monday at 12:01 instead of midnight? Fuck no, you’d never say something that stupid unless you got something to prove. And personally I ain’t got NOTHING to prove.

For those of you who don’t know I spent some time in the correctional system, and this reminds me of a fella I knew back in those days, a very talented pimp by the name of Icy Mike. Well icy mike and I talked about a lot of topics, and I’m not lying when I tell you this pretty motherfucker swore up and down that when you say “the muppets”, he doesn’t think of Fozzy, Kermit, Miss Piggy and other characters specific to the Muppet show. Instead, he thinks of all puppet and animatronic characters of Jim Henson from dark crystal to big bird to the otter band tv special.

Yeah right mike, i respect you and all and you definitely have one of the better stables on the west coast but quite simply this is bullshit. You say the muppets, your talking gonzo, miss piggy, fozzy, MAYBE beaker. But not bert and ernie or cookie monster or ESPECIALLY this elmo and you fucking know it. that may be the technically correct dictionary definition or whatever but its not the common usage, nor the best one for that matter. And I think even icy would agree with me on 2000 = millennium. So zip it, jack. (more…)

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Die Hard 2

Tuesday, December 21st, 1999

MCCLANE. JOHN MCCLANE. THE WORKING MAN’S JAMES BOND

BRUCE WILLIS’S DIE HARD 2

Well hell man I guess for those of you who read the title there’s no point in explaining my premise here. You see I just watched Die Hard part 2 for the first time since you know what and I realized that John McClane is a James bond for OUR people. The people who AREN’T rich and who don’t always get the breaks this motherfucker james gets.

Bond is the ultimate secret agent, who the government agencies go to for help. McClane is just a badass that happens to be there when the shit goes down, and the government agencies try to STOP him from helping but they can’t do it cause like the title says this mother fucker is HARD.

Bond has connections everywhere and can go anywhere and do just about anything he wants, but McClane has to save the whole fucking airport just to get these motherfuckers to let him out of a parking ticket. Bond drives snowmobiles and sports cars provided by the government and jumps off of them and blows them up. McClane steals the snowmobiles he uses but also jumps off of them and blows them up. Even when he drives a car at the beginning, its a piece of shit borrowed from his mother in law, and that one gets impounded.

Bond wears expensive suits and dapper uniforms. McClane wears a dirty maintenance man snow jacket he BORROWS from somebody else. If McClane was EVER in a casino, he’d be wearing a sleeveless undershirt, it would be on the Indian reservation, and he’d be losing. My man john doesn’t know the MEANING of the word dapper. He’s a rough and tumble type dude, and if I didn’t know he was a cop i’d swear he done time, cause this is the type of motherfucker that knows how to bite a guys hand during a fight. thumbs up for that one mcclane. (more…)

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You’re a good motherfucker Charles Shultz

Monday, December 20th, 1999

First off this week I want to thank all the Bruce Campbell fans that Wrote to me after last week’s column. Turns out there are a lot more of these motherfuckers than I anticipated and the legions are growing. I guess the big wigs are starting to catch on and their gonna do a video game, tv show, action figure, autobiography and the works for Bruce. Well i say its about fucking time in my opinion. He deserves it.

As you know this is still a very small, underground type of outlaw web sight. For example i will be surprised if that counter ever hits 5,000. And although there have been reports of a lot of discrimination against ex-cons on the web and possibly at geo cities, i do think that count is probaly accurate. If you think about it I only got about 2 hits for each year since jesus christ was born and i guess that’s pretty fucking small time.

Anyway i got a lot of comments from bruce fans in the guestbook and i wanted you to know i preciate it especially a guy like me who nobody reads his sight, even at the holidays. You’d think they would mention the url to everybody they know just to help a motherfucker out but i guess that’s too much to ask for.

Well hell man maybe some of you can tell this old outlaw is feeling a little bit lonely during this season of high depression rate. but don’t worry about me what i’m worried about is the retirement of Mr. Charles Shulz of the Peanuts cartoon fame and the repercussions that this will have in the real world. Fuck y2k man peanuts is ending next month and this could be a plague on the face of the earth such as man has never seen.

You see mr. shulz is the cartoonist of the peanuts strips, which is where snoopy, charlie brown etc. is from. He is now retiring in his 80s due to cancer and the strip will go into reruns. they are still going to be making the cartoons although i think probaly not with all the jazz music. Although i have not read the funnies in a long time i do happen to know that this little bald kid means a lot to many people and to be frankly honest i’m feeling it a bit myself. (more…)

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The Prince of Egypt

Friday, December 17th, 1999

Subject: Re: Whats the *smallest* crowd you’ve seen a movie with?
Date: 12/17/1999
Author: Vern

Well I gotta admit when I was still drinking i went to see a cartoon about the bible. This was an american cartoon i believe not japanese so there was mostly kids in the audience, possibly christian. Maybe eight or ten kids plus parents which is a small audience in my opinion although not the smallest.

Well like I said this was when I was still drinking and i had done a lot of bible reading while I wa sin the can, so i guess I must have been pretty belligerent. the thing is these motherfuckers in the cartoon kept singing and what not which in my opinion was a pretty liberal interpretation of the text. so i’m yelling “THIS IS NOT IN THE BOOK, THIS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT” or whatever and i guess the tone of the voice or whatever, some of the kids started to get scared. (more…)

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My New Discovery

Monday, December 13th, 1999

Okay I’m gonna be up front about this. I know very well what you motherfuckers expect out of me this week. I’m not stupid. You think just ’cause I’m an ex-con I’m gonna spend this whole column gushing all over that new three hour prison movie that motherfucker Tom Hanks has.

Well guess what Jack, there is more to my life than prison. To be honest I don’t even want to revisit that territory anymore because who the fuck cares. I don’t even want to think about prison anymore. I gotta leave all that traumatic shit behind.

Well okay no that’s not true at all. Actually I just haven’t seen the movie yet. It’s hard to get three hours free to watch yet another Tom Hanks prison guard movie when you are a Writer like myself who is busy sculpting words or experiencing life which to be frankly honest is the most important element of a man’s Writing.

I promise I will Write a review of the green mile at a later date however right now I am preoccupied with a new discovery of mine which, I gotta be honest, is much more important. So in the tradition of my life lets set the prison aside and look forward to the future.

You see, this weekend I rented a few movies on the recommendation of some rec.arts.movies.current-films guys and in these movies I discovered an unknown actor who I believe will blow that jackass Tom Hanks out of the fucking water. This is a man who has barely hit the scene however in the glimpses of him that I have seen I have detected a raw, powerful talent which I believe you also will appreciate some day.

When I tell you this man’s name you will say “Who?” You will have no idea who the fuck this is. You might even think I am making him up or that he is a friend of mine whose career I am hoping to give a kick in the ass. Well hell all you gotta do is trust me on this one. If all is just in the world (and I know it’s not, but what the hell) then this man will soon have a loyal cult following. People will obsess over him on the newsgroups. They will worship him. They will rent any movie that he appears in. When they talk about whose going to play Batman or Superman or Spiderman or whatever cartoon strip movie they’re making now, they will say this dudes name first. They will always try to say he should be a leading man in the big movies. This dude will be called a god, like that chow young fat. He will be an icon. (more…)

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The Comedy of Jokes

Monday, December 6th, 1999

Well hell man here it is my tenth column that’s a pretty fucking big deal in my opinion. I think it would be unfair to just review a movie for the tenth column. Also no major movies were released this week and to be frankly honest I don’t want to see the Schwarzenegger after all. I read that he has a shootout with catholic priests and that’s pretty fucking funny but otherwise it just looks like its yet another copy of the whole ghostbusters tongue in cheek horror thing.

You see I happen to like humor as well as jokes, when it is good. One of my buds Jeff McCloud Writes to me just about every week and this week to be honest he Wrote that I didn’t understand comedy. Well I am here to prove that is not the case.

As I told Jeff, maybe Jay Leno, Bob Hope, all these guys, to be frankly honest it’s true I DON’T understand what’s supposed to be so funny about these motherfuckers. I mean yeah I understand clinton got a blow job, white guys don’t know how to dance etc. but I think for me comedy is a dude that tells a good funny story. That dude is of course Mr. Richard Pryor.

I wrote about Richard last week and I also mentioned he was going to be on a tv show “Norm.” Well I watched it and in my opinion it was not richard’s best work although better than Toy Story part 1. Richard was in the opening scene playing a dude in a wheelchair. Now what he does is he has a couple lines and then he jumps on norm’s back.

Now I did not know this but it turns out Richard is in a wheelchair in real life. I don’t know if this is related to his freebasing accident or not however that wasn’t really him jumping on Norm’s back. And in my opinion, you don’t get richard fucking pryor to appear on your tv show and then have a stunt double for half his scene. So that is why i think this show should be cancelled. (more…)

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Die Hard

Thursday, December 2nd, 1999

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKER: MY REUNION WITH BRUCE WILLIS’S DIE HARD

All across the world, in many different nations and cultures, families and individuals have many cherished traditions that they follow every winter holiday season. For some its the eggnog or candy canes, a special angel ornament they pass on through the family to put on top of the christmas tree, or everyone opens one present on christmas eve or who knows, ANYTHING.

Well in my opinion if I had been able to celebrate the holiday outside of the limits of the correctional facilities in recent years i’m PRETTY fucking sure my first tradition would be to read “junkies christmas” from william s. burroughs Interzone. This is the story of a fucking low life like many I know however he is able to learn the spirit of christmas and help others who need his knowledge and posession of certain illegal medicines. if its not already this should be on tv every year like the charlie brown cartoons.

Of course my second and more important tradition would be to watch my all time favorite christmas movie – the one starring Bruce Willis as Mr. John McClane. Bruce singlehandedly takes down a moneygrubbing so called terrorist operation that takes over his estranged wife’s office building on Christmas eve. Although with a strong action movie feel and taking place indoors instead of the snowy wilderness, this picture is fucking PENETRATED with the sounds of christmas, from the run dmc rap tune to i believe handels messiah.

That movie is the one and only Bruce Willis’s Die hard (1988).

So this year as the holiday season approaches I was able to rewatch Die fucking Hard as some of my buds in the guestbook call it for the first full viewing since the late 80s. (more…)

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Bruce Willis in Die Hard: an action breakthrough

Wednesday, December 1st, 1999

[Below is one of the first pieces I Wrote for this web sight, when I was first discovering the world of the Cinema, etc. I am leaving it here for historical puproses however don't read the fuckin thing though. Thanks.]

film essay by Vernon H.

This page is to promote one of the most under recognized movies in my opinion, Bruce Willis’s DIE HARD (1988). In this movie, Bruce willis plays a cop who finds out that TERRORISTS have taken over the building of his wife’s work at christmas time. What bruce does is basically pick off the terrorists one by one, killing them, etc. These are germans with a leader named Hans Grueber. It shows that one man can take on the system BY HIMSELF. This is a big inspiration to convicts, underdogs and anyone who ever had to take on incredible odds. Also it is interesting to note that Bruce is wearing NO SHOES OR SOCKS while he takes on these Terrorists, including when he must walk over broken glass. That’s right – BARE FEET.

Now I know what your saying, Bruce willis in an action movie? But hold on just a second there bud.

Although bruce is known mainly for being a comedian on the tv show Moonlighting, I think there is a little more to bruce that a lot of people haven’t been willing to acknowledge. First of all, moonlighting although there is romance in comedy can also be an action show. For example in the pilot (term for first episode) I believe there was a scene of bruce running all over the city chasing a dude (although with shoes on).

Now i know there is a prejudice against tv actors trying to make it on the big screen, just as there is a prejudice against ex-cons trying to go clean in the real world. HOWEVER, i don’t think it’s fair to consider Bruce to be ONLY a tv actor, although yes he has done Moonlighting.

And in fact his background in comedy helps out for the “one liners,” where bruce says a funny or clever thing as the Terrorist dies. “Yippy kie yah motherfucker!” Although i like van damme quite a bit I believe bruce is actually better at this sort of technique.

Although Die Hard has had little hype or press, i believe that it’s time will come soon when it will be acknowledged as a breakthrough in the world of action movies. They don’t really make movies like that anymore in my opinion. Although its influence is yet to be shown, I think within ten years all action movies will owe a great debt to Die Hard, just as horror movies owe a debt to the Chucky movies.

In the movie, Bruce Willis is named “John Mcclane”

Just my two cents

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Sleepy Hollow

Monday, November 22nd, 1999

This week what I saw was a piece by the name of Sleepy Hollow. This is what you call an old fashioned horror type movie based on that old story of the decapitated horseman. What he does is he goes around chopping off motherfuckers heads with an ax goin “Where’s my head? Where’s my head motherfucker give it back!” Or at least, that is what he’s communicating through the medium of head chopping.

Now first of all, if any of you like me saw halloween 20 last halloween, your probably thinking the same thing I am – could it be… michael meyers is the headless horseman? Because remember michael also got his head chopped off with an ax. And yeah nobody ever taught him how to ride a horse but then nobody taught him how to drive a car either but he was doing very well last night. Anyway I don’t want to give anything away but its not him unfortunately in sleepy hollow because it takes place in a different time period. SOrry.

Well obviously what you gotta do in a headless horseman type situation like this, even if its not michael meyers, you gotta figure out what the hell is up with this fucker and catch him. Let me tell you i’m glad this dude doesn’t get locked up in the end, i would feel bad for the inmates that have to deal with a dude with no head, that’s just creepy.

So anyway the dude who goes after him is kind of a sissy type fella by the name of Ichabod Crane. Apparently he’s some sort of cop although without a uniform or a badge I’m just going to let it slide and say, okay, this dude is all right with me. Even if he’s wearing some kind of lady’s scarf which I guess was considered less taboo at the time this takes place. (more…)

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Toy Story 2

Friday, November 19th, 1999

Now correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t Richard Pryor ALSO have a movie by the name of toy story. This was not one of mr. Pryor’s better pictures in my opinion, its the one where a rich white kid buys richard as a toy. He says “a big train set won’t do it for me dad, I need a famous black comic to degrade.” The basic type of humor is Richard falls in the water and runs around in fast speed while the piranhas bite him in the ass. This may have paved the way for many of the Sinbad pictures I’ve seen on cable however in MY opinion it still is not one of the high points in pryors career.

Well I guess you can tell that I’ve been out of the picture for a while because i never heard of this other toy story and here i thought this was going to be the new Richard Pryor. To be honest I promised some dudes over on alt.horror I was gonna review the End of Days this week, but I’m afraid I let them down. Arnold (who by the way I strongly suspect is a kraut despite his front as an all american restaranteur type dude) probably lifts weights as much as a lot of the guys inside. However what Richard has is a quick wit and ability to transform himself into a thousand characters, even animals or inanimated objects (he could have easily played an etchasketch or yoyo in this movie, and convincing as hell too). This is a funny motherfucker with some great fucking stories and even is attempting to go clean for quite a few years. In my new positive life it is this type of intelligent talents that I must value over the muscles. Arnold unfortunately is not a funny motherfucker judging by the 15 minutes of Jingle All of the Way I watched on tv tonight. That is got to be one of the worst executed pieces of comedy i have EVER fucking seen, even if you count the web sight Rob and Marge’s Laugh Central. Sorry arnold. Read a book.

Well as you probaly know by now if you’ve seen toy story 2, richard pryor isn’t in it at all. What this is is a VERY fucking strange story where the toys such as a cowboy doll and a spaceman named Buzz Lightyear come to life when your not looking. There is a fat dude who steals the cowboy doll. This is a dude who collects cowboys and when he gets all of them he’s going to sell them to a museum. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with this motherfucker he collects all this stuff and as far as I can tell doesn’t even like cowboys. He doesn’t have any cowboy toys in his house that he plans to keep and he doesn’t even wear boots or own a horse. In my opinion this is the same type of dude who runs the movie studios today, who likes money but not movies but maybe got fired from the bank or the US mint or wherever people who have a passion for money work. So he controls the movie studio from a little different perspective than any normal person with a beating heart who loves and enjoys the Cinema artform. (more…)

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